One of the things they don’t mention when you have a diagnosis like mine is all the “OTHER” things that you had to do. So you’re head is reeling and you are focusing on the cancer so much that the ordering of x-rays, blood tests and CTs goes right past you… until you have to do them!
So really, some were easy, some, not so much so! Like X-ray… stand still, breathe deep, buzz, ok, turn another direction, stand still, breathe deep, buzz… for four or five time and you are done. That one was easy. For those of use who are terrified of needles, the blood work was bearable, but not fun. So long as I don’t watch, I am ok. I just need you to talk to me so I don’t really think about what is being done. Bill was handy for this task. He always sat and talked to me, telling me jokes or describing the interesting articles he’d read in the ancient magazines in the waiting rooms. By the time he stopped jabbering, I was done. The only test I was not prepared for was the CT. Now, I am not one of those people who is or boarders on claustrophobia so the machine being so close to my nose did not bother me. It was not even the nasty, slightly berry flavored, chalk they made me drink that bothered me, it was the dye!
After they had performed their base scans, they pumped me full of dye of some sort to “light me up” so they could see everything well on the scan. It burned going in, I had hot flashes all the way down my body as it went through and thank heavens the operator had described this phenomenon to me or I swear I would have thought I peed on myself. Literally, as the dye courses through you, there is one point you feel the warmth and you really think you have lost all control and have peed yourself there on the table. Since I was forewarned, I just laughed at the experience since I knew I was still ok, but the operator told me a few funny stories of some very prime and proper older ladies who had not been forewarned who were afraid to move when told the test was over because they were embarrassed and were certain they had done the unspeakable!
What I was not prepared for was the “after effects.” They said the barium might give me a headache and might make me nauseated. Might in my book is a big word so off I plodded to work, planning on getting a fairly full day in. But there I sat, in front of my computer screen, my head pounding so hard that the letters on the page I was typing jumping around and no longer even forming words for me. I had to go home and go to bed. I felt awful the rest of the day and even for a while the next day. Who knew!
This was the point at which reality began to sink in for me. I was being STRONG, and I had not intention of this STOPPING me, but in the end, this was DIFFERENT from anything I had ever experienced before. This was not a c-section where there is great joy to cover the pain. This was not a routine knee scope to make you feel better with crutches to lean on if you needed them. This was breast cancer. This routinely stopped people in their tracks, who was I to think I would be better than it…
Still, I refuse to give it quarter in my life! I will allow myself more time to heal than anticipated, its not going to be an “in & out” sort of gig, but I refuse to hand over the quality of my life to a small invading mass of twisted cells. I am greater than cancer, and I will accept all the “other” stuff if it is necessary.
