When they won’t talk… it’s never good!

I went to my “routine” diagnostic mammogram on the morning of Monday, May 14th.  Of course, like most women, I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was excited about really making sure I was being proactive about my health.  The young lady who did my test was very good.  She made me very comfortable and we shared several laughs as we muddled through the regular tests and spot compressions of my “lumpy” area.  After I dressed, I sat in the women’s waiting room until my mammogram was ready to review with the radiologist.

They brought me back into this dimly lit room and I sat down beside the radiologist.  After breif introductions, he put my  results on the screen and we looked at them.  Even though I had already seen the lump on the ultrasound, it was still pretty awesome to see it in such stark contrast up for the world to see.  The radiologist showed me the lump, pointed out a suspicious dark spot on the bottom and then pretty much said, “when you get your biopsy results in, give us a call if we can help with anything else.”  I was like, “Hey, that’s it?!?”  After a couple cursory questions, I finally pushed forward and asked, “IF I had not already done thebiopsy , what would you tell me about this if it were a routine screening?”  The radiologist explained to me the next step would be an ultrasound and probably abiopsy, which were both already done.  So now it was wait and see.  If the results were inconclusive on the biopsy , we’d see what other measures needed to be taken to completely check this lump out, but ….  and this is where he trailed off.

As the nurse walked me out, she said something to me along the lines of, let us know if we can help you on your follow-up scans.  My brain began buzzing!  I was sinking fast here.  I did NOT like the way these people made me feel.  Don’t get me wrong – performance-wise, they were awesome.  I would highly recommend them to anyone.  But in light of my situation, I really expected this to be precautionary and I was suddenly feeling like this was not precaution at all.  It was something altogether different.

I left there a bit distraught and I went back to work.  In discussing the disconcerted feelings I was having with a good friend and co-worker, she suggested I call my OBGYN and let him know what was said and see exactly WHEN I would get that biopsy back.  I thought this was a great idea so I called for the nurses.  Of course, I left a message for them to call me back and went about my business.  I waited all day and heard nothing. Late that afternoon, I received a phone call from the nurse while I was on my cell phone so she just left me a message saying the results were in and the doctor would call me in the morning.  With this, I officially began to freak out.  My doctor never calls me.  He always has the nurses give me the results after he reviews them.  With both of these incidents I was beginning to suspect that this biopsy would not come back with splendid news.

The next morning I called his office, but he was not in.  Again, when pressed, the nurses avoided speaking with me about the actual results.  This is when I knew for certain what my doctor had to say would not be good.  No matter how many times you prepare yourself for the worst, it still does not prepare you for that actual phone call.

Biopsy of Precaution

Finally Wednesday was here (5/9/07) and the whole day was unbearably long!   Sort of strange too!   The doctor had babies to deliver so he was dashing in and out to the hospital and picking up clinic visits in-between so the wait was long.  It was also very stormy so the winds were howling, hail was beating down and we even lost power a couple of times while waiting.  Not to mention that I was nervous to boot!

When I did finally get a chance to see the doctor, he was very kind and opptomistic.  He performed his usual exam and suggested we take a look at the lump via ultra-sound.  The lump was very interesting to see.  It was pretty big, a couple of inches across, and seemed mainly made up of fiber.  The doctor seemed very confident that it would be a fiber cyst, but he thought it best to do a needle biopsy then and there so that we could rule out cancer.  I felt good.  I thought, “Yeah, this will be benign, but look how proactive we are.” The doctor suggested I go ahead and get a diagnostic mammogram the following Monday and set up the appointment.

After seeing the doctor, I was positive.  I felt in control of the situation and I felt like it would all come out positive in the end, but I would say, “We were cautious and careful and that was all that mattered.”

Pushy Pays Off

Well, I’ve never really been the sort to sit back and let things come to me. Some people might even describe me on ocassion as pushy. (Quiet in the peanut gallery!)

Well, after waiting around to get in to see the doctor, the stress overwhelmed me and I called to speak to the nurse in the hopes that hearing it might be BREAST CANCER might somehow change their minds and they would let me come right then to see the doctor.  When I finally got the call back, I described it to them and was told that it was probably a fiber cyst and I should cut outcaffine and take vitamin E and calcium.  The indication was that if it did not shrink in a couple of months, we would decide then what to do about it.

Well, it took me a minute to recover from the “brush-off” enough to say, “If its all the same, I’ll go ahead and come in anyway – just to be sure.”  She immediately agreed that was the best course and we hung up.  Still, I was no closer to knowing what was inside of me.

I keep going back to that simple suggestion…  She DID NOT say, “don’t come in.”  She DID NOT say, “Its fine, don’t worry about it.”  I don’t want to paint her out to be someone who was uncaring or inconsiderate at all – I don’t believe that is true.  But I do know this much…  when facing somethingscarey like cancer, its easy to give yourself excuses not to learn the truth.  This was a perfect opportunity to excuse myself out of “facing the music.”  If I had, we would not be starting this journey for another couple of weeks and the prognosis would not be the same.  Thinking for myself and pushing my own personal agenda turned out to be very important in my positive prognosis.  The spread of my cancer and the type of treatment I will undergo was a a matter of weeks away from being something altogether different.

So long story short, no one knows you like you.  No one has as much interest in your welfare, health or prosperity as you.  If you are not pushy and proactive about the things that touch your life, you can not count on someone else to be.  By the time someone else is interested, it may be too late.

For me, I did not get an earlier appointment time, but I understood clearly for the first time in my life, that it really is MY responsibility to take care of my health.  Pushing past the fear of knowing the truth and pushing past the excuses for postponing a visit that could change my life has truly paid off for me.  Don’t ever let someone else tell you what is best – be involved in the decisions yourself.

Finding The Lump

It was the beginning of May (5/1/07) and once again, like most Springs of the past, I had pushed myself so hard through sinus season that I had another case of bronchitis. I was explaining to Bill how heavy and oppressive the bronchitis felt on my chest and I pushed down on the top of my breast. I felt an odd lump in the top of my left breast. My first instinct was to freak out, but I held it together and tried to be reasonable. I was faithful to check once a month and I knew that it had only been a few weeks since my last exam and nothing was there then so this had to be something brought on by the bronchitis – maybe an enlarged lymph node or something. The next morning, I called my general doctor’s office to see if I could get in to get a steroid shot to knock out the bronchitis. Sure enough, the nurse practicioner was able to see me and helped me clear out the bronchitis. While there, I showed her the lump and asked her what she thought. She felt of it and told me it was not an enlarged lymph node and that I should have it checked out. She offered to make me an appointment for a mammogram, but I told her I would get my OBGYN to set it up for me. I left there and went immediately to his office and set up an appointment for the following Wednesday. The intelligent part of me knew that getting an appointment that fast was great, but still it was not fast enough for me. All I could do was sit and wait until I could get in. The wait was agonizing!

Introduction To My Blog

I recently decided I would like to keep track of my journey through diagnosis, surgery and treatment of breast cancer. I bought a journal and started the arduous task of chronicling my experiences. Then it dawned on me… I did not dread the task at hand, but I did dread the thought of actually “writing” everything out by hand. For as much as I swore I would never become one of those people, you know – the ones totally reliant on technology, I have to admit that I am a total addict. Bill, my personal IT guy and perfect hubby, offered to help me set up a blog so that I could “type” out my thoughts and experiences. I jumped at the chance! It gave me the opportunity to not only keep a record of my journey, but also to share it with my friends and family so they could better understand what it is to have breast cancer and fight every day to survive.